Something about the end of semester flurry made me realise it.
I may not have as strong a base here in beijing as I perhaps would have liked, and maybe that’s my fault — ever aware of the possibility of loss I pushed everything and everyone away who did not make it a point to claw their way back in. I’ve built barriers so high I could rival the great wall.
But the thing is, roughly five months ago there was a night when I walked from wudaokou back to the dorms in the freezing dark, tears streaming down my face, absolutely terrified and unable to feel my toes. Today the sun is shining (although you can’t really see it through the smog of beijing) and I can feel all ten of my toes, wiggle them even. I am no longer afraid of beijing. This city challenges me, frustrates me and makes me laugh sometimes — but it no longer fills me with fear. It is no longer an unknown entity.
It’s a city, just a city like any other that can be cracked. And maybe progress isn’t measured by how well you can navigate the subway system or how many place names in the guide book are no longer just names — but that’s how I choose to measure it.
I may not have done anything great or awesome in the past few months, but I have come a long way from that sobbing wreck of emotions walking a lonely beijing road.
